Home in Mind
by Ankh-Ascendant
Summary: Sesshoumaru is home with his father, but his thoughts are elsewhere. Sesshou POV. Inu no Taisho/Sesshoumaru.


_TITLE: Home in Mind  
CHAPTER: oneshot  
AUTHOR: Ankh Ascendant ( setosgirl0 / neferseti0 )  
DATE: 9-25-09  
FANDOM: Inuyasha  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Inuyasha, or make any money from it.  
PAIRINGS: Inu no Taisho/Sesshoumaru  
TYPE: Introspection  
RATING: PG  
WARNINGS: incest warning  
OCs: none  
BETA: none  
WORDS: 2396  
SUMMARY: summary  
NOTES: This was written from the writing prompt ( _/?p=373_ ) __"prison". It is also the sequel to "Home in Body" - __/fanfiction/__fanfiction-home/__- which is definitely not for kids. In the list, these two prompts are right next to each other, and I couldn't resist._

* * *

_Home in Mind_

"I will never let you go," he murmurs in the darkness.

"I know..."

I know... I know this so well. Much better than my father does. I don't know if he truly understands how closely we are bound together... by more than mere flesh, although that holds us together now, to be sure...

I don't raise my head as the warmth of my fur is settled around us, only press my face to his neck and keep my eyes closed. Warmth and the deep smell of him, and the almost too full feeling of him still inside me... these are the things that usually take me off to sleep. So that I can wake in the morning and wonder...

His claws stroke my hair, the heart in his strong chest keeps time with his hand, as it has for centuries. It is soothing and I know he knows I can't resist it, though I know it's a childish impulse. I only vaguely notice his breath slowing toward sleep as my own mind drifts, comfortably numb. His arms are strong and warm, his heart beating a slow lullaby in my ear...

It is the vague discomfort of his member finally pulling free of me that pulls me sharply back to wakefulness, making me blink my eyes open and realize what happened. I would rather I had fallen asleep before that, as I normally do, because now I won't be asleep for some time... I can't rest now, knowing I am I mess.

I only reluctantly raise my head, loathe to move though I know I have to go wash before I can have peace enough again to sleep. There is still the song of his heartbeat, trying to pull me back down, and the envelope of his scent... but that isn't something I have to miss, because I carry it with me always...

The moonlight catches his face oddly... It's risen higher, above the window, and it's only a reflection from the clouds that lights the room now. I must have been dozing for some time. It's a soft light, almost directionless, and is easy on the shadows. He seems to have no harsh lines now... His jaw and nose are turned to almost gentle curves, and his hair is almost merged with his fur. It's still tied up... I pick apart the knot with my claws and let it loose, wanting to see it down. It's much longer than mine, and falls like liquid silver across the mattress. It's always surprising how soft it is.

He moves only a little, and I watch his eyes to see if he is waking. But the deep purple, nearly black markings on his eyelids are undisturbed, and he still looks peaceful. His sleep is always so deep, almost uninterruptable. He has no reason to be wary here, no reason not to be confident in his own home.

Suppose I took the opportunity to kill him in his sleep...

I sit up and pull my fur off with a tug. The feeling isn't really describable - not pain, really, certainly not as though I have cut off a limb, but more like the limb itself has gone missing. Like my hand disappeared, though I know it should be here. I don't need it for the moment, though, and it doesn't need to be cleaned... and it will keep him warm, and keep my smell with him so that he won't be disturbed.

As I push myself to my feet, my hand slides into the sticky mess on my own fluid cooling on his chest. I can't leave that mess on him... With a decisive motion, not really something I had planned, it's wiped off with my fur, and though it should be cleaned now I leave it with him, the messed side turned outward to dry.

Without glancing back to him again I slip from the room, my claws finding their way to my mouth in the darkness of the hallway, the cavernous hallway where if I wanted, and I had my fur, I could run through in my true form. It is not as good as blood, too salty and bitter, but I can picture my claws sinking into his chest instead of resting on the top of it, and I can imagine...

Cold wind makes as though to push me back to him, biting into my bare skin as I step outside into the courtyard - but no, I will not be going back, not now. One day, some day soon, not ever.

I don't know how many times I've made that promise, but I have always meant it.

If I had not left my fur, I could leave now. I could fly to the humans' earth and be far out of sight of this castle, long before he woke. Again. And I would walk and find my own place...

The wind finally leaves me as I follow the edge of the building. There is full moonlight on this side, not just the weak reflections of it, and it throws almost a glare from the surface of the deep, still pool that is set into the cloud-stone at a small distance. I do not stop to admire it, though it is always beautiful, only slide noiselessly into the water.

It is ice-cold, and I see as it closes over my head, pulling my hair around me, that the moonlight does not pierce very far within. It doesn't need to. The pool is so deep that I have never touched the bottom, though I have tried, and large enough for my father in his true form to bathe in - it could be a small lake, and is of the purest water I have ever known, condensed rainwater that did no get a chance to fall. What else would be suitable for the greatest inuyoukai to have ever lived?

I let myself drift in the pool without surfacing, watching the moon through the water, drifting in its bed of stars above. The cold has numbed my body, easily, but does little in itself to make me clean. I can deter myself by foregoing his preparation and punish myself with this icy ritual, but neither will change anything...

My breath cannot hold forever, and I surface sharply with a gasp for air. The pool is too far from the castle to have any shelter, and the wind bites to my bones; I cannot stop a shiver, but do nothing about it. I lean my head back against the barely-giving side of the pool and let the icy water and wind chill me, watching the cold moon above. Its gaze is harsh and unforgiving; it can see to my core better than my father...

He asks me what I do down there every time I leave this place... every time I come back. Should I say to him that I am searching for the strength to stay away each time? That I know that I will find that strength and never return to him some day?

Should I say to him that it kills me to stay here, to do as he wants of me... that every touch he lays on me is like a blade on my flesh? That his kisses burn me, and I fear I will never, never wash the smell of him out of my skin?

Or, should I tell him how I never sleep when I am away because I cannot rest without the sound of his heart and the strength of his arms? Would he want to hear how I intend to never set foot hear again each time I leave, and I hold myself away as long as possible, but when I return I am always half mad with desire and would kneel down and lick his feet if it meant he would touch me?

I hate him for not knowing any of these things. He should... They are his responsibility, his karma, he should know them, somehow, without my saying. He should be able to see what he does... If he does love me, and not only love having me, he should let me go...

_'I will never let you go.'_

He doesn't know. And if he did... I don't know what he would say.

I hate him, but I hate myself more. I should not need him the way I do... I should be able to break free. It is not so very hard to leave. This prison has neither lock nor guard, and there is nothing keeping me here but myself. Only myself... I can go. It is only hard not to come back.

The moon is the only witness to my frustrations and trials and failures; I close my eyes, because I cannot bear to meet its gaze. It knows me for the weak coward I am, that even my father does not see. It knows my secrets and my shame. Though I want my freedom so badly, I willingly relinquish it time and again, and sell it for...

Him.

I am helpless. I love him. I hate him, but I love him, and I need him, and I know I don't really hate him at all...

I would kill him if I demanded my freedom and he denied me.

I'm too afraid of that possibility to even skirt the subject.

I can't bear the thought of losing him to anything... even to myself, even for my freedom. There is no price too high to pay for that, none whatsoever. I would pay with my soul for my freedom. But not him. Even him. I don't know... I can't...

"You are going to freeze solid when you come out."

I open my eyes slowly. I am not surprised to hear his voice. I could never be. He is there, of course, standing above me, silhouetted in the moonlight with the reflections from the cloud-ground lighting his face. He left his hair down, the way I pulled it... why did he do that? It blows wildly in the wind, tossed about his face, like his kimono and fur are pushed forward toward the water. And another fur... mine, smaller than his, held firmly in one hand so that the wind cannot steal it away. Held safe...

I meet his eyes for a long moment, but my mind can think of nothing to say. Nor, apparently, can his. Silence stretches as he watches my eyes, until he eventually seats himself and crosses his legs. He holds my fur in front of him, his claws dipping into the water then running through it to clean the stiff spot, and his eyes follow his work as though it were interesting.

Mine follow him, because I can't look away, and never have been able to.

He is a vision in the moonlight, or anywhere else, but especially now. In the harsh moonlight and raging wind he sits calmly, cleaning my fur and pretending I am not here as his hair reaches toward the stars.

Finally, he sets it aside, his hand still firmly on top of it so that he can protect it from the wind. "There is something wrong with my Sesshoumaru," he surmises, only then finally looking toward me again.

His gaze is too powerful for me to meet, and I wrench my eyes from him entirely, looking toward the water. "No," I murmur, watching the reflection of the moon in its surface.

After a pause, I feel his claws in my wet hair, stroking it slowly. It relaxes me at once, and I lean into it, but within me, a part of me wants to twists his hand until it breaks off... or tear out my own hair for letting him do this, again.

I raise my eyes helplessly to the moon, but it only stares impassively back. It will not help me.

His arm wraps suddenly around my chest and lifts me easily out of the water, depositing me into his lap. I gasp in shock as the wind drives straight through me, then I am shielded from it by his body, wrapped again in the warmth and smell of him.

"It is as I said," he says mildly, then holds my fur toward me. "Take this before the wind carries it away."

I almost wish I couldn't. At least then a part of me would be free...

Instead I take it in my hand and hold it close, letting it cover and warm me. Both of us, since I am in his lap. I can still hear the wind, but his massive body and even more massive fur block most of it. It seems almost no more than a storm outside while I am comfortable and warm inside my home...

I suppose that makes his arms my home.

The moon judges me for my weakness, or reflects my own judgment on me, but I don't want to turn from this. I can hear his heartbeat again, and it reminds me how I have not truly slept in days. I cannot fight him. I don't want to have to.

I stare too long at the moon. Just as I become aware that his eyes are watching me, they turn and follow my gaze up. "You yearn," he says simply. His claws run through my hair, and I lean into them without response. "What is it that you need, my son?"

I let my eyes wander toward the sky once again, with his. Silence descends and lingers, but it can't stay for long; I do in the end interrupt it. "Freedom," I murmur.

I drop my eyes to find him looking at me. I don't know how long he has been, and I cannot read his eyes...

"Let us retire," he finally says. Without an answer, I stand, pulling my fur around me as I am thrust back into the cold wind. He stands beside me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and nuzzling my temple as we walk together back toward the entry.

With him, my body us in pleasure and sometimes my mind can find peace, but my heart is cracking straight down the middle... Half is at ease and full, and the other just wants to be free...

And I am afraid that I have just had his answer...

~end~


End file.
